brb until wednesday. going up to atl to see the georgia bestie and to gallavant around town. so far, the set plans are shopping in hipster district galore, food pigouts, world of coca-cola and casey jones/this is hell/evergreen terrace saturday night.

HELLZ YESSSSSS

stressorama

finals are this week and while my stress level is normally all around out of hand, it's being pushed through the roof this week. my thing right now is trying to ignore it and not worry too much but being a natural born worrier, it's very hard to do.

after my last final thursday, the fun of the break begins. thursday night, i get to have dinner with friends i haven't seen in a while due to varying lives. friday is dim sum and we the kings with my-linh and my little sister. saturday, i leave for atlanta until the 17th and on the 19th, my-linh and i are throwing a vip party at howl at the moon. it makes me feel special for an iota of a second to know i get to be vip for once.

life is generally good right now aside from the crazy amount of stuff and stress but it's all good in the neighborhood.

guilty pleasure #1

i love ebay. i love it so much more than anyone could ever know. i don't have a credit or debit card because i know that if i did have one in my possession, internet shopping would easily put me into debt and ebay would be the primary culprit. the random mish mash of everything on the site keeps me occupied for hours and the fact that i have about ten stores saved to my favorites that i check every few hours just to see if new stuff has been put up says a lot about my obsession.

the vintage stuff on it gets me.

the deals get me.

ebay gets me.

such a guilty pleasure.

i'm a teapot, letting off my steam

in my opinion, i think that everyone has someone in their life that they just can't seem to stay away from. no matter what happens and how far away you are from them, how long it's been without talking to them, you can always slip right back into the same old routine with them and feel like it's been five minutes when it could have been years.

i know who that person is for me and i know it's not the best thing for me to keep going back. it's been close to four years now that we've been playing this back and forth game and every time i get sucked back into it, i always end up being hurt. i don't even know if he realizes what he does to me or the effect that he has on me or that i always end up falling for him but it sucks every time because i tell myself that things will change and they never do.

he's coming back around again and i feel myself wanting to revert to the old pattern but i'm tired of it. i'm tired of the tears that i always end up shedding, the pain i always feel and it's all my own doing, it's all my own fault that i let myself get like that. so now, things are going to change.

i've finally realized that i need to put my priorities first, at least in some form. i'm protecting myself and not allowing myself to revert to old ways and not slipping into the way things were. i can have him as a friend but nothing more. i know this now after a lot of soul searching and conversations with friends. it's for the best and although it sucks a little, i know it wouldn't be a healthy thing for me to keep reverting to this pattern.

so, there is a person in our lives that we always seem to find coming back in and out, over and over, but only we're the ones who decide in what aspect we allow them in. and for me, i've finally decided to set my foot down. and i feel better for it.

i prefer blogging in bullet points. mind you, they always end up being massively elongated bullet points but it seems to be my style so here goes the random bullet point bloggy bits of boring information for the past few days.

- ice skating on a lumpy rink is not the best thing your school can provide. i have the scraped up arm and bruised pelvis to prove this point.
- they need to make mini zambonis for mini ice rinks.
- i want to be paid now so i can buy a yo gabba gabba shirt from hot topic. best kids show ever.
- i'm addicted to twitter like no one's business now. i had once proclaimed that i would never jump on that bandwagon but i have and i do not want off.
- the betsey johnson outlet store is the best thing i have ever seen. even better is that the salesgirl has me in her book now so i get notified of sales before the public.
- victoria's secret love spell is the best scent created by man.
- all cupcakes should come with a pudding center. it makes the whole confection that much cooler in my book.
- boys create a crapload of unnecessary drama without even meaning to half the time. i generally dislike the majority of them at the moment.
- i have become a hermit in my own household due to insane family members. i hate leaving my room just to pee because i'll get bombarded by the questioning squad of whether or not i need anything. i'm 21, i think i know how to get a glass of water by now, thaaaanks.

i think that about covers it

random bits

-i like spiral notebooks. they keep all my thoughts and ideas neatly bound
-grapes are a food of opportunity
-jank is a fun word
-basketball sucks on tv but is awesome to watch in person
- just because you can wear something doesn't mean that you should
- i have nothing better to write about today so this is filler

i don't feel much like blogging today but still felt that i needed to write something. what i really want to say, i can't bring myself to say in a public forum like this so it stays in my notebook.

it's hard to express how i really feel sometimes. it's how it is for everybody.

today is a case of the blahs.

insomnia is a crap thing. wanting to sleep and not being able to is horrible. i've had sporadic spells of this off and on for the past few years due to schoolwork and general life throwing my sleeping patterns and my body out of whack. i have gotten back into another jag of not being able to sleep until 3, 4, 5 in the morning and then sleeping either too little or too much.

i think that the worst part about not being able to sleep is that with nothing else to do, my mind starts to wander and it's not necessarily a good thing. it's not that i'm thinking bad thoughts, it's just that i have about fifty million things flying around in my head at once that crash into each other and run a muck and create all of these different tangents that create more thoughts and when that happens, i normally am in bed with no notebook around me to write any of it down to try and make sense of.

my thoughts and ideas are nothing new, i know. everything i possibly think of has probably already been presented somewhere by someone in some manner but with everything crashing around here all the time, it's hard to think straight. i need notebooks to carry with me to write down everything i think or hear or see or what strikes me. hell, i need stock in that.

even now, the lack of sleep is bringing about the crazy talk. lolcat time to fit the mood.

halloween. my favorite holiday of the year. but costuming is an issue now. a vast majority of the adult costumes are either too kiddy or too slutty for my tastes. i can't gallavant around town in a bikini and fishnets. i'll look like britney spears at the vma's, a chubby trainwreck. hmm, possible costume idea.

anyway, i digress. so what is a girl to do? my first costume idea might possibly fall through because i'm still waiting for a dress to be sent in the mail that i can use and the backup plan, as of now, is to be katy perry. that damn katy perry. well, if i have to rely on it, at least i can make up good parodies.

lolhamster tiem.

random bits

sleep is my friend and my enemy. groggy all day and now i'll be up all night. rad.

i'm thinking of dying my hair again. i change hair color a lot.

homework is the devil.

i leave you with a puppy.

sometimes, you have the kind of nights that make you feel really good about life. last night was one of them.

when i got to backbooth, i ran into two friends of mine that i haven't seen in probably a year of two, jay and gabe. so we hung out during the show and what a show, it was.

the first band was this group called j roddy and the business. the bassist alone had my attention with his pornstache and his long, curly hair. i was like a horse with blinders on for their set, just mesmerized by this guy. decent music, hilarious set but it was unintentionally so, which makes it that much better.

next was william elliott whitmore and holy lord, was he fantastic. he did a few songs just singing, no instruments and then he busted out his banjo and his guitar. he also debuted some new songs from his next album and by far, my favorite is going to be 'johnny law'. he finished up and found out he still had twenty minutes so he took requests and i hollered for him to play 'take it on the chin', which is my favorite of his songs. he started playing it and halfway through, he realized that he forgot how it went so he had to get help from people. amazing.

after him was murder by death. they wore robot costumes and adam thurla, the lead singer, told the worst robot jokes i have ever heard. but they played the best setlist possible with songs from all of their albums and some of my favorite.

i do think the highlight of my evening, though, was meeting william elliott whitmore while he was drunk as hell and him continuing to offer to buy me drinks with me politely refusing. great guy, lots of fun and a great hugger but very persistent.

i had such an amazing night last night and i'm so glad that i felt decent enough to go. i'm even wearing the shirt i bought last night because i'm trying to hold this feeling a little longer. i wish i could go to shows for a living. what a life that would be.

oh, just for the lolz. here's a cat macro.

william elliott whitmore

william elliott whitmore. how i love thee. your soulful voice. your tattoos. the love you have for your podunk state of iowa. the passion and pain we can hear in your voice when you sing. i can't wait until i finally get to see you tonight and enjoy your music in person instead of through my dinky ipod headphones or the shaky sound system in my car.

oh, and murder by death.



you're not too shabby either.

so today was my shopping trip because a) i like shopping by myself and b) i wanted new stuff. let me just say, this stuff i found at target from soap and glory cosmetics is my new favorite thing.



it's supposed to firm your skin and rid you of cellulite but even if it doesn't accomplish its purpose, i'm going to keep buying it because it makes my skin super soft and it leaves your skin tingly and cool, which is nice. a plus for you, soap and glory gel stuff.

i love old people. they amuse me when they try to talk to my voicemail like it's actually me on the line. very adorable.

procrastination

this is, by far, my worst habit. i have a tendency to put off the task i'm supposed to do until i absolutely have to do it or i find something else to do instead. case in point: i'm supposed to read thirty pages of an essay and take notes on it for my medieval ireland class. mind you, i have about 17 pages done now but instead of sitting down and doing it all in one go, i've cleaned my room, read three magazines, drank two cups of tea, read a book, broke a nail and bandaged it up and internet browsed.

sometimes, it makes me wonder if i have a.d.d. or something because i can't sit still and i can't focus half the time. it's slightly frustrating to not be able to sit still. like even now, i just got up and paced around the hallway and am organizing my photobucket and looking for lolcats. yeesh. but i will leave you with my favorite lolcat for the day.

life update

midterms came back and i did tolerable. one a, one b, one c plus and one c. not my best ever but in the classes i got c's on, i have a lot more chances to make up for the grades.

i babysit five days next week, which is awesome, because it means i'm gonna have fat pockets for a bit but i'm also going to three concerts next week. on thursday, i'm going to see gaslight anthem at park ave for free and then drive to st. pete to see protest the hero and then on friday, i get to go see murder by death and william elliot whitmore. i'm also going to try and stop by the aveda institute and cut my hair cut and colored. i'm not sure yet.

lots of homework, lots of stuff to do. very busy me but very good.

M.I.A. IS PREGNANT

i could only hope to be half as awesome as her. she looks so gorgeous.

i am ashamed to say that i am actually excited to go senses fail in sebastian now on tuesday. i just found out, by the powers of wikipedia, that heath saraceno who was formerly in midtown is now in the band. that alone makes my trip worth it to me. oh, midtown and senses fail. how you remind me of my junior/senior year of high school. this is gonna be great.

overworked and overwhelmed, that is what i am. i go from being non-busy and non-social to being super busy and non-social. i'm working on the socializing aspect, though. i'm starting to go out more and hang out with more people, head downtown every week or two to go see a show or go dancing. easing back into it is better for me. people don't normally expect it from me but i'm painfully shy at times, i just mask it with a boisterous appearance.

this coming week is going to be a little nuts. i have a presentation and midterm on tuesday, followed by a mini roadtrip to take my grandpa back to his house and while i'm there, i'm going to see senses fail in sebastian, florida. why? because there is nothing else to do in sebastian, florida and this ought to provide some lolz. thursday night, i'm probably going to this party downtown called hands up orlando. i guess they're kind of like the misshapes of the city but it's two guys from my history of cuba class and they're pretty cool so i can venture out for them and some dancing with my sister and my best guy friend.

work's good but babysitting always is. four days this week. i just need like a vacation or a timeout to sit down and just marvel at the different crap i am managing to fit in. even now, i'm taking a break from cleaning the house before my mom comes home because it is her birthday and this is my job for the afternoon. in parting, i leave you with this just because looking at it makes me happy:



god, he is beautiful

i hate exercise. i don't like getting sweaty and having gnats fly into my face or turning bright red like a tomato because i am white as hell and when i get hot, i flush like a motherfucker. however, i like the results i get from exercise. i like weighing myself and seeing that i've lost seven pounds so far and seeing that my pants fit me better and that my stomach puff is slowly shrinking and that my pants lie flat instead of hugging my gut like they used to and seeing that i actually have definition to my ass instead of it just being some big, flat thing that annoyed me. all of these things make it worth it for me. all the cons are outweighed by the pros. i love feeling like i'm accomplishing something when i go jogging, i love the feeling of seeing the weight coming off and knowing that i am responsible for it.

i hate dieting. you don't get to eat enough food, your stomach always growls, you don't get to eat the yummy things like fried pickle chips, fried mac n cheese bites, burgers dripping with cheese and bacon, etc. but the payoff of it is amazing. your appetite learns to adjust and adapt to the fact you're feeding it less and you start eating less by default, you don't feel as hungry as often and the healthy things start tasting good to it. instead of craving chips now, i crave celery and carrots. i eat lentils like they're going out of style. lean protein? it's my best friend.

i've struggled with my weight for a while now. i was always a bigger kid and then middle school and high school ran around and i stopped running around and i put on weight but i was content being the chubby kid. college came around and i got a job and because i was on my feet eight to ten hours five days a week, i dropped about twenty five pounds and i only noticed that i did when a friend took me shopping and started picking out clothes for me and smalls and mediums fit me. i was so startled by it that i went home, weighed myself and was just blown away. it lasted for about a year or so until i quit said job to help out the family and i coped with my troubles by eating and bam, the weight went on again. i finally decided to get myself into a better situation with my body and to feel more confident with myself and be happy with how i look and therefore, began this new diet and exercise regimen. i actually feel good about it, even though i hate it, but i think for once, i am dedicated enough to do it and follow through.

only time will tell how it comes out.

the threat of impending papers with due dates coming perilously close to being here has made my urge to blog and procrastinate that much worse. that and having john sitting on my bed while i'm vegging out in my computer chair is not helping. i love having him over but we are totally not getting any work done. we're too busy searching facebook and various other sources on the internet like youtube and the like. it's so much more fun to not do anything and to sit and talk and discuss things of vital importance to our lives and no one else's. this is why we are mind twins.

my insomnia has come back with a vengeance lately. the past few nights have left me unable to fall asleep until at least 3 or 4 and i just don't sleep or sleep well. it hasn't hit the critical level of my not being able to function properly yet but it'll be there within a week or so. i'm more productive when i don't sleep, though, at least at night. i can stay up and work on papers and clean up my bedroom partially or become engrossed in marathons of bizarre foods and no reservations. my next solution is to work my way through the first three seasons of it's always sunny in philadelphia while i can't sleep and try to not laugh out loud....literally.

i realize that i ramble on and probably say nothing of importance but does it really matter anyway? everyone pretty much has a blog nowadays and i may as well let myself keep this and document the random and mundane acts and events of my life. besides, it'll give me and my friends something to laugh about. this is it for today's ramblin' rollllll.

random blurbs

-nothing quite beats the feeling of winning something on ebay that you really wanted.
-cherry picker smoothies from smoothie hut are delicious.
-insomnia is horrible but it makes you become more productive because you gain more hours in your day.
-burt's bees thoroughly therapeutic honey and shea butter body butter smells exactly like fried ice cream from amigo's. it's the best way to indulge in the dessert without actually having to eat it.
-i'm more materialistic than i would like to be.
-hearing a two year old say unicorn "anoonicorn" is the cutest thing ever,
-vintage things seem more my style lately. the old is new again.
-school is kicking my butt back into gear and although it's hard, it's going to totally be worth it.
-make your own pirate necklaces are a good way to kill ten minutes.
-hair dye is an addiction. so is internet shopping.
-things are groovy.

Nostalgia is a bitch.

I went through one of my old email addresses today to look for a letter someone had written me a while back and instead, I found all sorts of things from three years ago up until now that I had forgotten about. Emails of instant messages between friends and crushes of theirs that made me remember the nights I stayed up serving as counselor of the brokenhearted, instant message debates between friends over religion and politics and other beliefs that caused riffs between them and still haven’t been healed to this day, pictures sent from years past, all sorts of things that make you wistful about the way it used to be. Friends have been lost since then and forgotten, friends have been gained, loves have been lost and gained and lost again, lessons have been learned, tears have been shed, wounds have been made and healed, growth has occurred.

Looking back three years ago, two years ago, a year ago; I am a different person. I am not so drastically changed that I would be unrecognizable to people of years past but they would notice a subtle difference about me and know that I was different back then. I was naïve three years ago to the ways of the world, how people could and would hurt you in an effort to put themselves ahead; I have since learned that trusting people is something you do but have to be cautious with. I used to trust so easily until a friend betrayed that trust in the worst of ways and since then, I have learned to be careful and to be guarded. I am more mellow than I used to be, more careful with my words and how I say them but yet, I still manage to get in trouble for having a big mouth.

I’m happy with where I am now, I feel like I’m a better person because of the things I’ve gone through and I’m grateful that none of the things were as bad as some other people’s struggles. I’m grateful for life and for being in the position I’m currently in life and I have no right to complain when there are people who are a lot worse off than I am. Part of me still wishes I could be as carefree and naïve as I used to be back in the day but I’m better off knowing the things that I am.

i have decided today that i am a girl-woman. i am too old to be a girl and too young to be a true woman. i mean, i act like i'm four years old half of the time. i freak out when i see unicorns or when they even get mentioned, i dance and sing in public, i'm loud and annoying and i think disney movies are the best things ever. at the same time, though, i want to have responsibility and i like being domestic sometimes and i want a husband and kids....someday....in the waaay distant future. i just think that the word girl-woman pretty much sums me up at this point in my life.

speaking of me singing and dancing in public, i don't think they're going to let me in fye again. they played rilo kiley, i did a little singing and butt shaking. i can't help it, it's what i do.

i also bought this body lotion today from burt's bees that smells just like fried ice cream from amigo's. it's pretty much my favorite thing ever to open it up and get hit with the smell of warm honey and milk and cinnamon. if it was edible, that stuff would be gone.

life is pretty groovy right now. i need to register for classes and i am busy, busy, busy but i am happy and content with being alive and loving the fact that i get another day here. i'm becoming such an optimist with life. it feels nice. it feels very nice.

i'm in an odd sort of a mood today. i looked at pictures of myself and decided that i'm not completely ugly but at the same time, i'm not the prettiest thing that's ever graced the planet. i just never really try to make myself look attractive. my mother used to tell me to make an effort to make myself look like a lady and all of that but i just never really cared to do it. i still don't really but i may begin to put an effort into it because i want to look nice and i want to look pretty because honestly, who doesn't? such a shallow and vain thing to want to look attractive but with people, physical looks do count in some form, no matter how much we all lie to ourselves and to each other.

i never knew that liking somebody could cause so much emotion. i've never been like this about boys before and somehow, one of them has managed to make me a complete mess over them. the best part, i don't even think they realize it. i'd probably bend over backwards and twist myself into a pretzel to make them notice me and still nothing could come from it, i'd bet. this is karma coming back to bite me in the ass and waggle a finger at me. i should have taken the chance and ran with it when it was presented to me a while ago. c'est la vie, i suppose. no regrets.

i need to get myself back in check and calm down because i feel like i'm letting myself and my life get a little bit out of control. i just need to let the cards fall as they may and whatever happens, happens and that's that. we'll see what happens, though.