Sunday, April 13, 2008

Nostalgia is a bitch.

I went through one of my old email addresses today to look for a letter someone had written me a while back and instead, I found all sorts of things from three years ago up until now that I had forgotten about. Emails of instant messages between friends and crushes of theirs that made me remember the nights I stayed up serving as counselor of the brokenhearted, instant message debates between friends over religion and politics and other beliefs that caused riffs between them and still haven’t been healed to this day, pictures sent from years past, all sorts of things that make you wistful about the way it used to be. Friends have been lost since then and forgotten, friends have been gained, loves have been lost and gained and lost again, lessons have been learned, tears have been shed, wounds have been made and healed, growth has occurred.

Looking back three years ago, two years ago, a year ago; I am a different person. I am not so drastically changed that I would be unrecognizable to people of years past but they would notice a subtle difference about me and know that I was different back then. I was naïve three years ago to the ways of the world, how people could and would hurt you in an effort to put themselves ahead; I have since learned that trusting people is something you do but have to be cautious with. I used to trust so easily until a friend betrayed that trust in the worst of ways and since then, I have learned to be careful and to be guarded. I am more mellow than I used to be, more careful with my words and how I say them but yet, I still manage to get in trouble for having a big mouth.

I’m happy with where I am now, I feel like I’m a better person because of the things I’ve gone through and I’m grateful that none of the things were as bad as some other people’s struggles. I’m grateful for life and for being in the position I’m currently in life and I have no right to complain when there are people who are a lot worse off than I am. Part of me still wishes I could be as carefree and naïve as I used to be back in the day but I’m better off knowing the things that I am.

Monday, April 7, 2008

i have decided today that i am a girl-woman. i am too old to be a girl and too young to be a true woman. i mean, i act like i'm four years old half of the time. i freak out when i see unicorns or when they even get mentioned, i dance and sing in public, i'm loud and annoying and i think disney movies are the best things ever. at the same time, though, i want to have responsibility and i like being domestic sometimes and i want a husband and the waaay distant future. i just think that the word girl-woman pretty much sums me up at this point in my life.

speaking of me singing and dancing in public, i don't think they're going to let me in fye again. they played rilo kiley, i did a little singing and butt shaking. i can't help it, it's what i do.

i also bought this body lotion today from burt's bees that smells just like fried ice cream from amigo's. it's pretty much my favorite thing ever to open it up and get hit with the smell of warm honey and milk and cinnamon. if it was edible, that stuff would be gone.

life is pretty groovy right now. i need to register for classes and i am busy, busy, busy but i am happy and content with being alive and loving the fact that i get another day here. i'm becoming such an optimist with life. it feels nice. it feels very nice.