Sunday, April 13, 2008

Nostalgia is a bitch.

I went through one of my old email addresses today to look for a letter someone had written me a while back and instead, I found all sorts of things from three years ago up until now that I had forgotten about. Emails of instant messages between friends and crushes of theirs that made me remember the nights I stayed up serving as counselor of the brokenhearted, instant message debates between friends over religion and politics and other beliefs that caused riffs between them and still haven’t been healed to this day, pictures sent from years past, all sorts of things that make you wistful about the way it used to be. Friends have been lost since then and forgotten, friends have been gained, loves have been lost and gained and lost again, lessons have been learned, tears have been shed, wounds have been made and healed, growth has occurred.

Looking back three years ago, two years ago, a year ago; I am a different person. I am not so drastically changed that I would be unrecognizable to people of years past but they would notice a subtle difference about me and know that I was different back then. I was naïve three years ago to the ways of the world, how people could and would hurt you in an effort to put themselves ahead; I have since learned that trusting people is something you do but have to be cautious with. I used to trust so easily until a friend betrayed that trust in the worst of ways and since then, I have learned to be careful and to be guarded. I am more mellow than I used to be, more careful with my words and how I say them but yet, I still manage to get in trouble for having a big mouth.

I’m happy with where I am now, I feel like I’m a better person because of the things I’ve gone through and I’m grateful that none of the things were as bad as some other people’s struggles. I’m grateful for life and for being in the position I’m currently in life and I have no right to complain when there are people who are a lot worse off than I am. Part of me still wishes I could be as carefree and naïve as I used to be back in the day but I’m better off knowing the things that I am.

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